Weird Evangelism

There are more and more studies, surveys and articles these days telling us how the Protestant church is shrinking.  I referenced one of them in an earlier post and there are plenty of others.  Obviously, we’re falling down on the job when it comes to spreading God’s Word and I have a feeling Jesus isn’t very happy with us.  I mean, there’s all that stuff he said at the end of Matthew about making disciples and baptizing and all that jazz (we won’t talk about the snake handling version of Mark.  That’s another story).  In light of that, I’ve got a few new ways of evangelizing.  Some are original, some I got off the web.  See if you can guess which ones are which.

1. Have church in new places, like bars, strip joints and adult bookstores.  Hey, since the sinners won’t come to us, we’ll go to them.  And I’m not talking about that namby-pamby way some emerging groups are doing it: having church when the bar is closed.  No, I say we go in while the debauchery is in full swing and have service right in the middle of the dance floor. Who knows, maybe one of the strippers will get inspired and break out into an impromptu Christian interpretive dance.                       
2. Start offering different classes at your church.  Not the normal stuff, like crafty things or English as a second language.  Think outside the box and try something really different.  Like Mixed Martial Arts.  That’s right learn to kick, punch and gouge eyes for Jesus.  If you really want to step out, tie it in with Spiritual Warfare classes.  You can end each session with a rousing rendition of “Onward Christian Soldiers”. 
3. Instead of inviting people to your church, kidnap them.  This a different approach to the problem addressed in the first point.  Sinners won’t come to church?  Go and get them.  Imagine the effect of a big white van pulling up alongside someone when, all of a sudden, the door slides open, a bag is tossed over their heads and they’re bundled inside and off to who knows where.  Of course, you’ll be playing contemporary Christian music (or hymns, depending on the service) to set the proper mood.  Then, when you reach the church, the hoods are yanked off and they’re shoved out and met by the parking lot greeters.  Give them the option of being returned home the same way.
4. Testify to everyone you see, everywhere.  I call this one the Shotgun Effect.  In the same way that a shotgun shell puts out multiple pellets to ensure the possibility of hitting a fast-moving target, throw out your testimony to everyone you come into to contact with.  Who cares if your friends start avoiding you?  You’re witnessing for the Lord.  Just remember: if you keep throwing it out there, you’re bound to hit something.
5. Embrace weird theology and get a reality TV show.  This ones a little more ambitious.  You have to find a belief, a sect or something that’s sufficiently strange to catch a producer’s attention; like being an extreme fundamentalist, having about 20 kids and saying it’s biblical.   
6. Start a blog and plaster your ideas about faith all over the internet.  You might think this is a little tame, but it’s all in how your page is set up.  You can load it up with videos of you and your friends preaching on the street.  Or, my favorite, add a ticker showing how many people die every day (it’s runs continuously as long as the page is open) and be sure to make it plain that the vast majority of them are doomed to Hell.
7. Tattoo Bible verses all over your body.  I know there are some folks who think tattoos are sinful, but what better way to turn sin against itself than to use it to spread the Word.  Literally!  Besides, you’ll never be at a loss for the appropriate verse.  Which is handy if your memory is full of holes like mine.
8. Force people to take your tract.  Tracts seem to be losing their appeal.  How many times have you had people decline your palm sized piece of evangelical brilliance?  And, leaving them around for people to take doesn’t work either.  As soon as you’re gone, they get used for anything but their intended purpose (and most of those uses aren’t fit for a good, Christian blog like this one).  What’s a believer to do?  Make ’em take it.  Tackle them if you have to.  Okay, maybe not that.  But, you can make them walk a tract gauntlet.  First, find a spot where people have to walk by (you know what they say: location, location, location).  If passers-by refuse to take your offering, get about 5 or 6 friends and position them strategically along the route people have to follow.  As they come by, they keep getting the tracts offered.  Eventually, you’ll wear them down and they’ll take them, if only to make you go away.  But, hey, you the Word into their hands and that’s what counts.
9. Drive thru church.  I’m surprised no one has done this yet.  In our rush-rush-rush, go-go-go culture, drive-thru church is an idea whose time has come.  Just think, drive up, get your Jesus and be on your way in less than 2 minutes.  A variation of this is church delivery.  It works like pizza delivery: call in and custom order your sermon and worship and it’s on your door-step in 30 minutes or less.  Both have the nifty advantage of not having to get out and deal with people.  Perfect!
10. Photobomb Evangelism.  This is another one of those ideas that turn pop culture back on itself.  The photobomb is where you jump into a complete stranger’s picture at the last minute.  Photobomb evangelism works like this: jump into the picture, then hand them a tract.  What better way to make friends and win people to Christ?  I love it!!!