I wanna know

July 16, 2010


I’m going to start this with a massive understatement: As Christians, we spend a lot of time the Bible.  A LOT.  It’s like our guidebook or something.  Great theological arguments are conducted over how to interpret it, whether it’s infallible or inerrant.  I think we all agree that it’s where God’s ultimate truth is revealed.  But, that’s not what I’m writing about this time.  No, tonight (I work best late at night.  Sleep deprivation is my muse) I’m writing about the stuff that’s not revealed in the Bible.  As much great stuff as there is in it, they left a bunch out.  And, I’m not talking about things like what Jesus did between the ages of 12 and 30.  No, my twisted little brain is more interested in things like:

1) Why the heck did Adam choose to wear a fig leaf when he figured out he was naked?  A fig leaf???  He’s in the Garden of Eden, surrounded by all kinds of stuff and the best he can come up with is a fig leaf?  And, you know Adam did it.  No woman would’ve worn a leaf.  Evidently, men being fashion-challenged goes all the way back to the beginning.  Metrosexual worship leaders being excepted, of course

2) What the heck was manna?  According to Exodus, it was on the ground with the dew and it looked like frost.  When they ground it up and made it into cakes, they were supposed to be sweet like wafers and honey.  Personally, I think it was grits.  No, really, a fine, almost powdery substance that, when cooked, tastes wonderful?  Gotta be grits.  After all, everybody knows God is southern and sounds like Fred Thompson.

3) Did Moses drop the F-bomb when he found out he wasn’t getting into the Promised Land?  Think about that one for a minute.  The guys busts his ass for over 40 years, leading a bunch whiny complainers who were never satisfied with anything he did and, just because he screwed up once at Meribah, all he gets to do is look at it from Mount Nebo.  That’s after he gave them some parting directions and pronounced a blessing on them.  I’d have kicked dirt all over God’s shoes, cussed a blue streak and told the rest of that crowd to kiss my ass. 

4)Was Bathsheba really that hot or was David just a horndog?   This is actually a good question, so don’t roll your eyes.  If you’ve ever seen photos of women from the 1800’s, you realize that the standards of beauty have changed quite a bit over the years.  And, if they changed that much in 200 years, how much would they have changed in 3000?  Now, on the other side of the coin, David was the king, and in those days, the king could have any woman he pleased.  As for the horndog part, I’m not sure how many wives David had, but Solomon was supposed to have had 700 wives and 300 concubines.  You know what they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  So, I’m figuring Ol’ Dave was lacking for companionship.  Then again, maybe he liked snuffdippers.  There’s no accounting for taste.

5) What the heck was Ezekiel smoking?  Ever read the book of Ezekiel?  Yeah, he’s the one who saw a field of dry bones come to life as he spoke to them.  Not only come to life, but flesh out and become folks.  See what I mean?  He’s not alone, there is some crazy stuff throughout the Bible.  Yes, I know it’s not necessarily literal.  But, on first read, you gotta say “Do what?!?”

6) Why were the disciples so thick-headed?  These dudes spent almost every waking moment for 3 years with Jesus and, until Pentecost, they still didn’t get it?  The follow-up question to this is how did Jesus keep from smacking them?

7) Where was Thomas’ twin?  He’s referred to as Didymus Thomas in the Gospel of John.  Didymus is Greek for “twin”, but there’s nary a mention of twins anywhere among the apostles.  In Christopher Moore’s book, “Lamb, The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal” (the funniest book I’ve ever read and spot on with Jesus’ message), Thomas’ twin is imaginary and Thomas’ is even dimmer than the rest of the apostles.  It’s as good an explanation as anything else I’ve seen.

8)What happened after Jesus raised Lazarus?  Okay, I have to admit I stole this from the book I just mentioned.  This is the one that got me wondering about this odd stuff.  Think about it, though.  When Jesus got to Bethany, Lazarus had been dead for days.  Four days in a Middle Eastern climate, y’all.  You know the boy was rank by then.  Did Jesus have to put in any extra work to make Lazarus presentable?  I have a feeling a nice, hot bath wouldn’t have cut it.

9) What was Peter really thinking when he walked on water?  What the heck possessed him to do it in the first place? Seriously, walking on water?  Who does that?   Although, Peter is the one I’d expect to try it.  Peter always lead with his heart, rather than his head.  When the resurrected Jesus stood on the shore and called to several disciples who were fishing, they didn’t know it was him.  When they figured it out, Peter bailed over the side of the boat and swam to shore, while the others stayed dry and rowed in.  One thing about Pete, you could never call him lukewarm.

1o) Would some action have mellowed Paul out?  And, what would that have done to the faith?  I have to attribute this one to my brother.  We were talking about Paul’s intensity once and he said, “That dude just needed to get laid.  Maybe he would’ve mellowed out some.”  Quite possibly.  But, would he have had the same drive to spread the faith that he did?  I can say from experience, once you crack the seal on that one, it pretty much takes over.  Besides, no wife would’ve gone for all those trips unless she got to go along.  He may not have gotten any, but he didn’t have to listen to nagging about asking directions or his driving.

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One Response to “I wanna know”

  1. Gaspar Melchior said

    This is without a doubt, your best yet. but you missed a couple. Daniel and John the Revelator must have had the same supplier, because it would take some really good shit to cause those kinds of dreams. If the prophet Elijah did the kind of purging today like he did with the priests of Baal, he’d be considered a mass murderer and wanted by Interpol. And speaking of Baal, part of her?his? worship was ritual sex in the temple. That’s a great way to increase church attendance! Seriously, it’s much simpler (though not easy) to live as Jesus did. Loving everybody (even the assholes and dimwits); looking after the poor, the elderly, the unfortunate; not worrying about money (or anything else); being a truly nice, non-judgmental person; and becoming who He was meant to be in spite of what others wanted of him. Keep up the good work, brother!

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